Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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