your thong is hanging out like whoa
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
