I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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