just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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