This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize