She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So vagazzling was a success
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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