hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
