Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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