you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize