someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
