Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
