I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
