I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
