i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
