i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
