the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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