Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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