the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
