I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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