Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish you could order shots online.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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