You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize