dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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