my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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