so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
