How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
