omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
