chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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