Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
