I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Life is so much better after having sex.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
