Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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