I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We left the knife in your bed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
