I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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