i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
