we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She needs sedatives and a leash
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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