Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish I only lived at night.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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