i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Also, beer. Big fan.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
