also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
