He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Randomize
