you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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