So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
