Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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