first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
its liver damage thursday
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
