turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize