At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
please come you make the beer taste better
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
