so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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