so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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