Apparently you make a good broom.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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