how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
