Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
