My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
my poor anus
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
