This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
