There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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