Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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