it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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