so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
