a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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