I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
