Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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