I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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