I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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