Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
