When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize