im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
